Week 9 NFL Game Picks: “Quitters never win unless I pick them to lose edition”
For those keeping score, the Abacus went 1-3 last week. That’s not good, but rest assured there’s no quit in the Fantasy Abacus.
In the words of Lance Armstrong, “Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” I’m not sure who that is, but I think he played wide receiver for the Chargers. This column won’t last forever. Gisele wants me to meet her parents, so we have just enough time to focus on the week’s most interesting games.
Featured Week 9 NFL game picks
Dolphins @ Bears (+5)
Are the Bears quitting or not? I’m confused. First they made Roquan Smith cry by sending Robert Quinn to Philadelphia. Then they sent that crybaby Roquan Smith to Ravens. The crybaby leads the league in tackles by the way. Chicago just gave up 49 points to a rusty Dak Prescott and the Dallas Cowboys. Only four teams have fewer sacks and the loss of Smith and Quinn won’t help Chicago’s chances.
Maybe Chase Claypool can help. Just when you think Chicago would rather score draft picks than points, they trade a second-round pick to the Steelers’ for the third-year receiver. Claypool’s not exactly Tyreek Hill, he’s Darnell Mooney with one touchdown and 53 less yards.
The Dolphins also made moves this week. They brought in Broncos linebacker Bradley Chubb to bolster their defense and added 49ers running back Jeff Wilson to annoy fantasy owners of Raheem Mostert. It didn’t take Miami long to quit on Chase Edmonds, he’s off to the Broncos.
The aforementioned Hill is off to a great start with the Dolphins. He leads the NFL in yards and receptions while his teammate Jaylen Waddle is third in touchdowns. Unfortunately for Miami, the trade deadline is over, so the Bears can’t get rid of any more defensive players. Chicago has actually been good against the pass, but Tua Tagovailoa should have all day to throw on Sunday.
Trends are pretty meaningless when teams have this much turnover. The Bears appear ready for a long winter’s nap and the Dolphins need to figure out how to use their new toys. I figure this one is fairly easy for the Dolphins.
Fantasy Abacus says: Unlike real life, the Dolphins will destroy the Bears.
Rams @ Buccaneers (-3)
Oh Tom Brady, I wish I knew how to quit you. First, you retired but then you came back. Then you left again, but only for a week. You sat out a ‘hump day’ and another ‘hump day’ until ‘hump days’ meant nothing to you. You’ve shown up every Sunday, and even last Thursday when you lost to the Ravens 22-27.
You’ve lost lots of games lately, including the last three. People keep dropping you in fantasy leagues but there you are, leading the league in completions. You’re not making this easy Brady. Why can’t your team play better at home? They have one win at Raymond James Stadium and haven’t covered a home spread all year. Work with me Tom, where is that 2020 championship form?
At least Tampa has three wins. L.A. is 2-5 at the moment with a .286 win percentage. Lebron, stop blaming Russell Westbrook and quit resting on those championship Laurels. Wait, the Rams are 3-4. Coach McVay is on the laurels. I’m sorry. I always get my overrated L.A. teams confused.
But seriously, as long as Cooper Kupp has ankles there’s no way the Rams should get points from the Bucs. McVay needs to quit talking about soup and get some help for the chunky fellows on his offensive line. The Rams haven’t lost to Tampa Bay since 2019. They need to quit fooling around and start spreading the ball around. They’re going to get Kupp killed if they don’t.
Fantasy Abacus says: If Brady loses four straight he’ll retire in the parking lot. Take the Bucs.
Ravens @ Saints (+2.5)
Have you heard of ‘quiet quitting’? It’s a growing trend where workers do the absolute minimum to keep their jobs and nothing more. As a high school teacher, let me tell you; you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Michael Thomas has become the poster boy for quiet quitting. To be fair, Thomas has three touchdowns this year; an amazing stat considering he’s played in three games and has 16 catches. Thomas missed all of 2021 and more than half of the 2020 season.
In case you’re wondering, Back in 2020, Thomas signed a five-year contract worth $96,250,000. The Saints beat the Ravens by a much smaller number back in 2018, a 24-23 victory in Baltimore. More recently, they used Alvin Kamara to shut out the Raiders. They’ve had no trouble scoring points this year.
The Ravens score more than the Raiders, but they’ve really been a 1½ man-show to this point. Without Jackson and Andrews, Baltimore might score negative points and owe the fans beer money. The Ravens have won two straight and were determined to throw the ball last week despite a lack of talent at the wide receiver position.
Fantasy managers can quit waiting on Rashod Bateman for help. He’ll miss a few weeks with a foot injury so Devin Duvernay is now the top dog. Could OBJ help BAL? Just a thought.
Fantasy Abacus says: When in doubt, go with the better quarterback. Ravens win and cover.
Speaking of quitting, can anyone put a stop to Russell Wilson? Please Russ, stop riding, stop rolling, stop lunging and squatting. It’s enough already, just quit it.
That’s all for now fellow Downers. If anyone needs me, I’ll be cheering on the Philadelphia Phillies. Feel free to join me @fantasybruce.